July 15th, 2004


Squirting pussy dilema.

If you've ever had the misfortune of caring for a sick child then you'll be well versed in the art of random, projectile vomiting. Whichever direction you try to aim the child's head, as you carry it toward the nearest bathroom, the Law of Unfair Averages dictates that you'll destroy at least two carpets and stain at least one wall.

What is it They say: never work with children or animals. Yup, sick animals are even more dangerous. Today Grey Cat is sick. He's been producing liquids of varying colours and densities from... various holes. His ears are burning up and he's generally nonplussed with the world around him.

After the last spate of vomit I decided that he must be empty. After all, how much stuff can one cat hold? I decided he was empty. I also decided that i'd let him sleep on my bed where I could keep an eye on him. Hmmm, i'm guessing that you're already three steps ahead of me by now! Because, yes, he wasn't empty. He wasn't empty very much.

He began to convulse slightly and began making squishy, gurgling noises. I'll give him points for trying to stand up but by that time i'd grabbed him and was heading for the door. Naturally, all a fraction too late.

It was like carrying a canon. A living, wibbling and convulsing canon that was streaming molten, biscuit-like lava from its gaping maw. Said lava splashed all over a pile of paintings. It hit the door and the carpet. It flowed over my portfolio. As we headed East it hit the wall and the mirror and finally cascaded down the stairs! It was horrific!

Sitting in the kitchen a few moments later I was washing Grey Cat's paws and introducing him to a bowl of chilled water. He was looking pretty groggy by this point. I put him in his bed and closed the blinds.

I'm guessing he thought this was the best place to be as he's still curled up there now. Now being twenty five minutes later. Twenty five fun packed minutes of carpet scrubbing and vomit scraping. Not the best twenty five minutes of my life yet not the worst.

Right. Time to scrape sick of my artwork! Mmmm, those are the perks!