RJ Brudenell (azoth) wrote,
RJ Brudenell
azoth


Touch Me Larger!


Whilst normally I have the patience of a gathering of saints, of late I've been finding it harder to keep my cool. It's an entirely new experience for me, and those around me, and I'm unsure what's at the root of it all.

Perhaps it stems from the constant physical abuse my body's been going through of late, or perhaps it's something else, something slightly darker.

I like to think of myself as being a nice person. I'm one of those people who's there when other people have a problem and I do what I can to make the situation better; often this just involves listening. I listen. People tell me their problems. Small problems and big problems. Trivial things and life changing things. Problems. Burdens. Secrets.

It might sound mildly fascinating to know so much about so many people but, to be honest, it can become a drag. Imagine sitting in a room with three people having a conversation and having to guard your words dependent on those present and the angles of information as they know it. Now imagine a room of six people or of ten. Sometimes I feel like I can never relax.

It's not only my friends either. You'd be amazed how many random strangers will start talking to me and telling me things about their life that seem somehow ... I'm not sure if inappropriate is the exact word I want to use here, but it'll do for now. It's a phenomenon that my friends and family have noticed. You can leave me alone in a public place and the chances are that when you return I'll have someone sitting with me telling me their life story; riding the bus can be a nightmare.

Over the years I've found that I've become more withdrawn. Perhaps unconsciously I've tended to isolate myself from people in my lifestyle and work. Hell, you couldn't get more withdrawn from society than working through the night. Then you've got my hobbies: photography, art, video games etc. All pretty much solo affairs.

But it doesn't seem to have worked. Building a wall around myself hasn't kept people away and now whenever they come near there seems to be ... friction. Things seem to have turned volatile. Nowadays instead of standing passively by as someone repeatedly lies to my face I feel the urge tell them everything I know and watch what happens. Although, as I previously stated, I like to think of myself as being a nice person.

Thus, we cycle back to the anger. I suppose it's the only thing I can express in certain situations without breaking the trusts that people have invested in me. Plus, it's probably healthier than keeping it all inside. Although a quick re-read reveals a situation that's anything but healthy. I just wonder how long it'll be before I go from having a short fuse to having no fuse at all. I also wonder what that guy will look like...
Tags: anger, art, snail
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